WWW.PROTu-154.org
Project Tupolev Team Forum Index Log in Register FAQ Memberlist Search

Project Tupolev Team Forum Index » Hangar Talk » Pilot-ATC jokes
Post new topic  Reply to topic View previous topic :: View next topic 
Pilot-ATC jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 13:41 Reply with quote
Daniel Nagy
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 481
Location: ,




Tower: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 oclock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!

Centre: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
TWA 2341: Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Centre: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: Im fing bored!
Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was fing bored, not fing stupid!

Control tower to a 747: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one oclock, three miles, Eastbound.
United 239: Approach, Ive always wanted to say this Ive got the little Fokker in sight.

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running a bit peaked. Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. Ah, the fighter pilot remarked, The dreaded seven-engine approach.

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): Because you lost the bloody war.

Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern weve already notified our caterers.

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and Ill have enough for another one.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know ones gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground, Im looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didnt land.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: Its Thursday, Sir.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. Its only the same pilot.

Pilot: Tower, theres a runway light burning.
Tower: I m sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean its smoking.

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger .. Weve checked, they are all working.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: Whats your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I m 6 foot tall and I m sitting front left.

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.

Pilot: Condor 471, dont you have a Follow-me ?
Tower: Negativ, lets just see how your find your own way to Gate 10.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: But 4 and 6 is 10, isnt it?
Tower: Youre supposed to climb, not add.

Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.
Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.

Pilot: Logan Ground, Radio Check.
Tower: You sound like you are calling from inside a tin can.
Pilot: Roger. It feels like it, too.

Pilot: Airliner X, request a 360 to parking.
Tower: 360 approved, 180 recommended.

Tower Controller: BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?

United cargo jet (with female pilot): This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: I dont know. Ive never seen it. (Earned him two weeks on the beach)

Pilot (after a long time in a holding pattern): Tower, could we get an EFC? (Translation: how much longer?)
Tower: Indefinite.
Pilot: Im pretty sure we dont have fuel for that.

Pilot: OHare Tower, Bonanza X, request landing. I can land on any runway and hold short of any other runway.
Tower (with an over-full load): Roger, we request you land at Chicago Executive and hold short of OHare.

Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.
Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door thats open for cooling.
Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.

Lost Student Pilot: Tower, Cessna X, Requesting help determining my location, Im lost.
Tower: Can you fly over any identifiable man made objects like a highway or water tower?
Pilot: Affirmative, I just flew by a water tower, but all it said was Class of 09.

Denver Tower: Gulfstream X, Youre cleared to 9,000 feet. For a vector to Hector, contact the sector director.

Tower: Airliner 757 vectored 310 at 145 knots behind traffic.
Pilot: Roger that, 310 at 145 to clean out the stall horn.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.
Pilot: Approach, were really hauling ass.
Approach: Airliner Heavy, I couldnt care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.

Kids on a tour of the Tower: Have you ever had a real emergency?
Controller: There was that one time when we ran out of coffee.

Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390?
XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass)
XYZ: We can make it, but well have to throw out a few passengers
Controller: Thats approved.


_________________

My work
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger

PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 19:01 Reply with quote
Adonis
Joined: 05 May 2011
Posts: 142
Location: Novi Sad, Serbia




Tower Controller: BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?

That one's my definite fav

_________________
Easy is the path to wisdom for those not blinded by themselves.
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

Another joke
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 19:46 Reply with quote
WalterLeo
Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 1660
Location: Viena Austria




After a bad landing with various jumps

TOWER:

XX001 your mean landing time was 12:01

Walter

_________________
You think I am a bad pilot, you should watch me playing golf!
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 23:07 Reply with quote
Biesse
Joined: 28 Jun 2006
Posts: 156
Location: Helsinki, Finland




Tower: Aeroflot 2267, vacate runway at
high speed taxiway Delta!
Aeroflot 2267: we pay all runway,
we use all runway!

_________________
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger

PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 12:30 Reply with quote
Daniel Nagy
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 481
Location: ,




Biesse

_________________

My work
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger

Link for more jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:59 Reply with quote
WalterLeo
Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 1660
Location: Viena Austria




http://www.urcaptainspekin.com/atc_humor.htm

pilots jokes:

http://www.urcaptainspekin.com/pilot_humor.htm

The joke about Santa and the other one of the bat are great!

Enjoy

Walter

_________________
You think I am a bad pilot, you should watch me playing golf!
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 19:50 Reply with quote
kova
Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Posts: 63
Location: LDZA




Thanx for those jokes, they realy make me laugh. I heard some before but few are new. Still made my eyes wet from laughin.

_________________
Hrvoje
View user's profile Send private message

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 20:37 Reply with quote
Biesse
Joined: 28 Jun 2006
Posts: 156
Location: Helsinki, Finland




A Funny conversation that has actually taken place on a wintry Finnish airport between a foreing plane and a female air traffic controller:

A/C: Tower XXX requesting runway 22L for take off.
TWR: XXX, negative, there's a blow job going on the runway
...Long silence...

There was a snowblower on the runway.

_________________
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 09:01 Reply with quote
Daniel Nagy
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 481
Location: ,





_________________

My work
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger

PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 14:57 Reply with quote
Cadarth
Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 25
Location: PHTO




From Ahajokes.com - Aviation.

Quote:
Airlines running operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

_________________
A task slowly done is surely done. ~ Oliver Hardy
View user's profile Send private message

Thanks its quite realistic!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 18:32 Reply with quote
WalterLeo
Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 1660
Location: Viena Austria






Thanks

Walter

_________________
You think I am a bad pilot, you should watch me playing golf!
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

Linux
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 18:41 Reply with quote
WalterLeo
Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 1660
Location: Viena Austria




Arriving at the airport you discover that all the personel are boyscouts (and girls). After boarding they stage a lottery: who wins will be captain of this flight the second FO and so down to the last steward(ess).
Then the "flightcrew" discovers the plane flies by itself, the coffee brews by itself also. Arriving at your destination you discover you landed at the wrong airport, at the public annouce somebody says: We are sorry, this should never have happen!

Walter

_________________
You think I am a bad pilot, you should watch me playing golf!
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

INS navigation
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 19:07 Reply with quote
WalterLeo
Joined: 10 Feb 2009
Posts: 1660
Location: Viena Austria




A flight from Europe to America. The slot is in danger to expire, therefore lets do the INS programming only to halfway over the Atlantic. "We attend that later on.."

After T.O. the captain meets a good old friend in first class they watch together a funny film. The FO is bored...
After the film the captain comes back and a flightattendant reports: There is a guy who presumes to be a privat pilot and he wants to know, why we took off with the sun at the left and now we have it on the right? The Cap: "Tell that whizzkid, that in a big plane everthing is different.."
Some hours later and much too early land starts to fill the windshield...
The flightcrew checks the radios and the INS: CAP to FO: Seems you did not finalize the programming of the INS, seems it did what its supposed to do, turning back. FO: Yes Cap Irland lies before us.
Cap: Only that bloody private pilot noticed something, lets turn back on course.
One hour before reaching the Bermudas, the low fuel alarms started to sound. No way lets refuel.
Big problem, they wanted to see cash, not creditcards. Thanks God a known politician was onboard and paid the bill with the help of the consul of his country.
Arriving at the destination the press was eagerly awaiting the politician. First question, why are you 7 hours late? Politician: Ask the captain. The Cap: "You know we were flying in the Bermuda triangle!" This was the real reason for his early retirement.
A friend of mine sweers, that it really happened.

Walter

_________________
You think I am a bad pilot, you should watch me playing golf!
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website

PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 21:13 Reply with quote
Daniel Nagy
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 481
Location: ,




A must have sheet next to the emergency checklists



(source: Aviation Humor)

_________________

My work
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger

Pilot-ATC jokes
 Project Tupolev Team Forum Index » Hangar Talk
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
All times are GMT + 3 Hours  
Page 1 of 1  

  
  
 Post new topic  Reply to topic  


  Powered by phpBB © 2001-2005 phpBB Group. Designed for protu-154.org | Webmaster - ^COOLER^